Motivation... where art thou?

It's my 9th semester in the academe (8th in UST) and I don't know how to feel about it. Mixed emos. Of course I'm happy that I got this far. I recall some of my most toxic semesters and I can't believe they're all in the past now. Let's have academic year 2008-09 2nd semester as example: full-time faculty in St. Jude College + part-time in UST + private practice + my first semester in graduate school (full time) = HORROR! The other semesters are not as forgiving as this one. I believe they're worse. And you would think that summer breaks are for break talaga, they're not. Hehe. They should start calling it pseudo-summer break for us teachers.

As I  read through my old blog entries 2-3 years ago, I can't help but envy my younger self. She was very motivated and very in love with what she was doing, even if it meant sleepless nights and impending migraine attacks. She was full of enthusiasm and she enjoyed every bit of task that came her way. She's a teacher by day and a student by night. And she still had time for her patients. She was unstoppable.

But I'm not saying I can't do what the younger Rian was able to do before. You see, experience is a good teacher. It has been hammering me with a better sense of efficiency and self-discipline which are vital for professional growth. However, through the years of experience, I concomitantly got robbed of zeal. I blame nothing or no one. I believe it's a normal phase in everyone's life. I see this phase as a chance for me to look at life in a different perspective.

So now I ask myself what if I'm not in academe, what if I go back to clinical practice or what if I pursue my love for information technology, would I be okay? I honestly don't know. All I know is that I need to have my motivation back. It's been a week since school started. I have to fix myself or else the stakeholders will suffer and I don't want that to happen.

Last week, I fixed my workstation at my apartment hoping that it will give me a good vibe. Plus I received my semestral faculty evaluation and the result was very satisfactory, just like all the other semesters I've been teaching in UST. The Dean even announced that I got the highest score among all faculty members of the college. I can't believe that it didn't even do the trick. I was hoping it could pick up my dampened soul but it did not. Oh please pray for me. :( Lord, strengthen me. Please don't leave me during this trying time.


JoiceyTwenty said...

Mam Ri! I thought I was on my own journal while reading this entry! The only difference is that I last had that "unstoppability" way back 3rd year college. Hahaha. I do as well hope that this is just a phase. Hehe. God bless you, Ma'am. You've always been an inspiration to me ever since nagstart ako magturo :)

Rian G. said...

Waaah! Naiiyak ako! I don't know why.

Pero I disagree with your "I last had that unstoppability way back 3rd year college". Unstoppable ka kaya hanggang ngayon! Mas unstoppable ka pa nga kesa sa akin when I was still starting in academe. You're so productive and I thought to myself, "huwat, syet, ang tamad tamad ko naman compared kay Joice. hindi ako ganung ka-productive nung nagsisimula pa lang ako!"

Anyhow, I hope matapos mo na ang iyong MS para makabalik ka na. Gusto mo pa naman bumalik sa CRS dba? Dba? Dba? Hehehe. Ikaw pa, e dream job mo nga ang maging teacher dba. ;)

See you around Joice. I miss your presence na inside the faculty room. Namimiss ka na rin daw ng mga mumu dun. Hehe, kidding!